Dear Mom (10 Years Later)

 Dear Mom,

Today marks ten years since you passed. One way I can tell where I truly am in my grief stage is whether I’m able to talk about you without getting emotional and teary. The first few years after your death, that was a given … it was rare that I could talk about you without crying. Of course, the level of emotion depended on where I was and who I was talking to but my voice tended to crack at some point. As the years went on, it got easier, but the crack in my voice and the tears in my eyes still came … sometimes when I least expected it. When I was at church earlier today requesting prayers for those of us still mourning your death, it happened again. 

As I’ve done more research on grief, I’ve come to realize there are two ways to look at this. One, there are probably still some things I need to work out that are connected to you. Though I’ve processed a lot these past ten years, there are also some things I’ve avoided. Maybe addressing those will help me “let go” of whatever I’m holding on to and really “move on.”

The other way I look at this – this grief will always be with me. The intensity will ebb and flow with time and whatever else is going on in my life. But I’ll always have this underlying sadness of knowing I have to continue this life without your physical presence. Knowing that I’ll have to rely on my memories of your smile and laughter and picture those moments as I imagine you watching all of our milestones from above. Knowing that your grandchildren and the later generations may never know you as well as those who got more time with you. 

This grief has made its home in me these past ten years. I’ve allowed it to take up space and become part of my “furniture.” Like the physical clutter in my home, I’ve grown accustomed to it just being there. Sometimes I address it and try to make it tidy, but most days I ignore it and work around it. It’s become a part of me. In a way, I’ve come to accept that. I wouldn’t know how to move on and do anything else in my life if I didn’t.

Is this a “healthy” way to deal with my grief? I don’t know. It’s gotten me this far and I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. I’ve still been able to experience joy despite my grief always being there. I think it’s helped me have a deeper appreciation for all the times I’m able to forget, even for a second, that my cluttered pile of grief is in the corner waiting for me to look at it again. And I am grateful for that ray of light in my darkness.

I know there are still things for me to work on, but I’m also ok continuing to live with this grief and letting that cluttered pile shrink or grow as needed. Thanks, Mom, for continuing to be my ray of light whenever I need it. Miss you and love you always. 🌥😇

Now I address this part to others who may be reading this:

I acknowledge that I am not alone in grieving my mom’s death. In an effort to try something new in my process of “letting go” and maybe helping others in their process too, I’d like to ask anyone who knew my mom to please share your memories of her in whatever way works best for you. You can email me stories and/or pictures. You can post on my social media accounts. You can even arrange to speak with me over the phone or on video chat and share your thoughts with me that way. As my own memories of her start to fade, I’d like to start archiving what I remember now and I think getting stories from others will help encourage and motivate me to spend time on this.

I hope to have a book-sized collection to share with the grandkids and future generations to keep her memory alive. I’d appreciate anyone who can help me in this effort.

For those who didn’t know my mom but who are also experiencing grief over the loss of a loved one, I invite you to share your own thoughts on this subject in whatever way you feel comfortable. I’d love to provide that outlet for you to share. Hearing others’ stories has helped me too. 💗

2022 Reflections

It’s New Year’s Eve. I haven’t written anything personal since my nephew Calvin passed in October last year. There’s been so much I could have written about to help me process all the stuff in my head. But, I never set aside the time to do it. I can try to find reasons why that happened but would it really matter what the reasons are? It still came down to the fact that I just didn’t do it. It’s not good or bad. It just is. And so I move on. 

It sounds simple but for me … it’s excruciatingly hard. I dwell. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. I dwell on the past… on all the things I could have done differently … on the what ifs. It’s what I do and as much as I try not to do it, I can’t help myself. So rather than beat myself up for it, I’m trying to accept it and try to focus on the things I CAN do to improve my life.

This past year has been A LOT of that. Thankfully, I really feel like I’ve made progress. And when I think about what has been the key to help me with that progress, I have to be honest and say it came down to being back in a full-time job and being able to do that job without having to put in so many overtime hours, switching from a Wed-Sun schedule to a normal M-F schedule, and having a larger team with more co-workers who I can turn to for help with the workload.

I feel conflicted about essentially saying the key to my “happiness” came down to a better job situation for me. Reading my blog posts from the past, it seemed like I was getting to a point in my life when I didn’t have to equate my worth to what I do for a living. While I still recognize that there is more to me and my life than how I make money and provide for my family, I have to admit it really does make a difference in how I view my life. Going back to work full-time was not without its own stress and life adjustments after working part-time or looking for work for more than a year. But the added finances allowed me to not worry about meeting basic needs as much. It allowed me the “luxury” of time and resources to research therapy opportunities for my mental health which in turn allowed me to be in a better mindset to dedicate more of myself to the care and well-being of others in my family. And last but certainly not least, it allowed me to do more things I enjoy (like online workout memberships, spa treatments, going to dinner with friends, etc.) that I had been sacrificing so that money could go toward more immediate needs. 

Part of me questions what this says about me that it really does come down to money being able to help me “buy” happiness in a way. The other part of me thinks, “Who the F—- cares?!” Just be grateful that I’m in a better financial situation and use it to better help myself, my family and friends, and as much of the world as I can. 

Yeah, so that’s what goes on inside my head. Some of you may think, “Damn – she’s a mess!” If you do, well, #1 — you’re kind of an a–hole!! But I also envy you for being able to view the world in that way. It tells me you probably have your sh– together and are probably living your best life. More power to you!!! (and hopefully you’re doing some good in the world with that power)

On the other hand, if some of you relate to dual personalities fighting in your head, I hear you … I see you … and I’m here for you. It took A LOT of mental work on my own these past few years to get to where I am today. Yes, I can be grateful that my improved financial situation helped me with that. But I also owe a lot to my tribe — my family, friends, church community, work supports, and the other points of positivity and light that have shone and continue to shine in my life. I don’t always give them the credit they deserve but in my heart and mind, they are my saviors and, to me, true representatives of Christ’s love whether they realize it or not. 

So while I started this post not really sure which direction it would go, I hoped it would give me something positive to end with as we close out another year.

I do want to touch on a very sad and sobering subject that I think is somewhat related to everything I’ve written so far. I was deeply impacted when I heard the news about Stephen “tWitch” Boss taking his own life. I admired him as a dancer, entertainer, and someone who always preached positivity with a big smile on his face. To learn that someone like this was hurting so much that the only way out that he could see was to leave this world, it truly breaks my heart. I can’t say that I completely understand his pain but I do understand how it feels to be so overwhelmed with anxiety that it closes off whatever beams of happiness are trying to break through your darkness. While the logical side of my brain tried to convince me that I have so much to be joyful and thankful for, toxic negative thoughts had wormed their way deep into my subconscious that I didn’t even recognize how much it was hurting me until I felt brave enough to face it and deal with it head on. 

Yes, in my situation, earning more money and being in a stable, positive job situation did help my overall outlook. But so did recognizing that I needed HELP and being brave enough to ask for it and do the work to help myself.

I know my situation is VERY different from tWitch’s and I don’t know if he asked for help or showed any signs of trouble. I’m not trying to compare my life with his or even say that I know better. I don’t know what could have helped him. 

I just want to highlight that the news of his death reminded me of my own dark times and how much having people to talk to about my issues helped me. I also know how it feels to want people to reach out and check in but not knowing how to ask for it. I know how it feels to force yourself to put on a happy face when you’re hurting because that’s what you’re used to doing and you don’t know what else to do. I’ve lived through this and I’m trying to treat others as I wish others would treat me … by helping those in need and checking in on those who may need it when I recognize it. I will admit that I do get caught up in my own head and life most often so I don’t always see the signs. But maybe by writing this down, it will stick with me to do better. That’s really all I resolve to do for this new year. I hope I can inspire you, dear reader, to do the same.

Sending love and light to all in 2023 and beyond! ❤️🌞

Happy 38th Birthday, Calvin (a tribute to my nephew)

My nephew, Calvin Choe, was diagnosed with Small Cell Carcinoma at 34. Today, he turned 38 and is on hospice care at home. I wrote this post on his Facebook page for his birthday. I decided to share it here as well to remind myself and anyone who may read this that life is unfairly too short for many people and to cherish every moment with the people you love while you can. Also, let them know how much you love them as often as you can. You never know when it will be the last time.

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Happy 38th Birthday, Calvin!

I’m sending this out later than I would have liked but I’m glad I found some time and space in my day to write out something to express how much you mean to me. I’m sharing it here on your page as well as publicly on my blog. If my words can somehow help others as much as they may help you and me through this time, it may help make some of this pain and grief over your cancer worthwhile.

When we flew to see you at your home in Las Vegas this past weekend, I tried to mentally prepare myself for how you would look and sound. Yes, it was heart-wrenching to see the undeniable pain you were going through. But I was also grateful for what I like to call the “miracle moments,” those times when you were able to fight past any discomfort and let your humor and light shine. The fact that you were able to joke about this being “all a ruse” to get all of us to visit you for your birthday showed that you weren’t going to let this cancer take away your spirit.

It reminded me of when I first met you. I don’t remember the exact time and place but I assume it was around the time that your Uncle Ronnie and I first started dating. I was about 21 at the time which would have made you around 11. I think I was visiting Ronnie at his home with Auntie I, and you were there with a few other cousins just hanging out. The others seemed too shy to talk to me but you appeared to have this quiet confidence and ease with talking with anyone. You actually made me feel more comfortable around this large family that I was trying to impress and, for that, I will always cherish you.

Calvin, Auntie B, Uncle Ronnie, & Diva at their 8th Grade Graduation

Of course, one of my favorite memories that we shared was the time that you surprised all of us on Christmas Eve 2008. You told everyone you wouldn’t be able to make it because you had to work and you wouldn’t be able to fly from Vegas in time. Then, you showed up at our house just in time for the family party. You ended up spending the night at our home and being with us for Christmas morning presents and the hilarious snot incident that you documented on camera. I won’t go into the gross details here but it was heartwarming that you still remembered that time so clearly that you were able to pull up the pictures from your Facebook so we could all laugh over them this past Saturday.

Calvin at our home, 12/24/08

I’m thankful for memories like that as well as our shared love of Marvel to bond over. When we started our Marvel Chat group, I thought it would just be an easy way for us to stay in close contact and help you take your mind off your health. Little did I know how much it would help me embrace my full fangirl nerdiness over the MCU and enjoy geeking out with others who love it as much as I do (though your comic knowledge is truly on another level that I will likely never touch).

Calvin & Auntie B at the Winchester Mystery House, 10/31/19

Those are just a few of the many things I’ve come to love about you. Thank you for the kindness, thoughtfulness, humor, insight, and love you have brought to our lives. I hope you know how deeply you have touched those around you and that we will never forget you. No matter what happens now, in my heart, you will forever be #CalvinStrong. I love you 💗 Happy Birthday 🎂

A Letter to Mom — 8 Years Later

 Dear Mom,

It’s been 8 years. The past few years I’ve had something specific I wanted to say to you on this day ... about how the time since you’re passing has impacted me. It gave me comfort to feel like I’m healing through the grief and heartache and writing about it was helping me with that healing. But today, I’m a bit at a loss. Wanting to say something without knowing exactly what that is. I suppose it’s been like that for me this entire past year. My mind continues to swirl with the worries of the world — a pandemic, political division, racial tensions — as well as my own personal concerns with our family’s job and financial struggles. Most days, I choose to focus on what I need to do for the day (the easier tasks) and allow myself to escape the mind swirl with distractions (tv, podcasts, audiobooks, social media). I think about how it might help to process my thoughts through my writing but lacking the energy/motivation to actually do it. I think “just take it one day at a time” and that “one day” suddenly turns into months of feeling like I’m doing the same thing each day without feeling like I’m making any movement toward future goals. Then, after having that thought, I try to remember that I’m handling all this the best I can under unprecedented circumstances and that being kind to myself is how I’m going to survive and be the best mom/partner I can be for my family.

I am thankful that I get reminders of self-care nearly every day from various sources. Knowing that you dealt with your own bouts of depression, I wonder ... if you had more reminders like these if it would have made a difference. If you had more of the education and resources available to you, could I be having this conversation with you in person? I know it won’t change anything to think about such things, but it helps me to think I may understand more of what your life was like than I thought. This past year especially, I’ve caught myself withdrawing like you did and keeping physical and mental ailments to myself because that’s what I’m used to doing. Even when I advise others of doing the opposite, I know deep down I need to take my own advice.

I know you would want better for me, and in honor of you, I vow to focus on that more. I’m still taking it a day at a time but I’m including small steps to help me feel like I’m making progress. I’m also thankful for the immense growth I’ve experienced in 2020. I know listing that out will also help me in my journey so that will be coming in a future “letter.”

For now, I thank you, Mom, for your spirit that watches over me and subtly sends me reminders of your love and presence — from seeing you in your granddaughter’s smile or hearing one of your favorite game shows on the tv — I cherish these thoughts and memories of you. I also thank you for the motivation/encouragement that you provide to write this to you. It’s my way of commemorating you, but I know it a helpful release for me too. Though my heart still aches from missing your physical presence, I feel blessed to know you’re always here to take care of me … in your own way. 

Mahal kita,

B

My Radical Embrace

***Note: This piece (except for the edits in parentheses added for this post) was read out loud in front of a small crowd of family, friends, and strangers for an event called Radical Embrace, an invite-only, shared community, storytelling space. Here is a description as written by my friend Rachel Paras, the creative mind behind this movement:

What is Radical Embrace? Radical Embrace is a practice of expression and self-care. The practice is inspired by the loss of Rachel’s best friend, Grace Rualo Asuncion, in 1992. Radical Embrace finds the blessings in and the power of grief, growth, and the honoring of life and living. It is founded on 5 pillars of GRACE influenced by music and creativity which emit positive, feel-good neurotransmitters from our brain’s pleasure center.

G is a note on the musical scale, like you, who is a part of the symphony of life.
Rhythm | Rest: Do what moves you; move at your own rhythm; make time to rest, pause and breathe.
Arrive | Adagio: Feel the music and be present (arrive). You may need to go slow (adagio) to continue to move through. 
Care | Community: Take care of yourself so you can, in turn, take care of your community (your tribe, your family, your pets, etc.).
Enjoy the journey.

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When Rachel (Paras) asked me to participate in this event, I was touched and honored. It felt good to know that she saw something in either my writing or interaction with her that she believed fit with the vision she has for tonight. I was also excited to try sharing my form of self-expression in a different way. I was feeling confident and somewhat liberated after publishing my first 2 personal blog posts for the year and I was thinking this may be just what I need to push me into being even braver with my writing. 

Then life happens and things change—as it usually does—and I found myself in a new nearly full-time temp job. I’m thankful this job came along to help us pay the bills, but it’s definitely not something I want to be doing long-term. Still, I want to do my best at everything I do so I put energy into making sure I’m doing just that, my best. What I’ve come to realize is that putting my best energy into doing something I don’t really want to do is even more exhausting than putting that same energy into something I enjoy. On top of that, I had other volunteer commitments I had to meet (along with family/home obligations, etc.) which took up even more energy. As a result, I had less time and motivation to work on writing something new that felt true to the theme of this event. Instead of being excited, I started feeling stressed. And that’s when the negative self-talk is at its loudest.

I worried that I’m not good enough to be part of something so special. I felt ashamed that I wasn’t able to better budget my time to fit this in. I worried that my piece will pale in comparison to what others are sharing. I felt ashamed that I call myself a writer and I can’t even get into a regular writing practice. I worried that I will disappoint and/or embarrass my family, friends, and myself. I felt ashamed that I am not living up to my potential.

Does this sound familiar? (I usually follow this pattern for every role I play—wife, mother, employee, etc.) This is my own personal shame spiral, but I’m willing to bet that most of you have had similar thoughts. Maybe not the (younger) kids—the kids probably think more highly of themselves than the rest of us, because they haven’t learned how to be as self-conscious as us adults. But I’d venture to say that this pattern of worry and shame sounds familiar to at least most of the women here. Am I Right? At least I hope I’m not alone here.

So this negative self-talk makes me question if I really have something valuable to say for this event. Am I really a good example of someone who’s radically embracing myself? I guess that’s up to interpretation. 

Thinking about what Radical Embrace means to me, I came up with this definition: Wholehearted acceptance of myself and all the things I’m ashamed of or fear about myself

By this definition, I don’t feel like I’m there yet. If I wholeheartedly accepted everything about me, including my deepest, darkest fears, I don’t think I should be falling victim to the negative self-talk or the shame spiral. But this has been my pattern of thinking for as long as I can remember and I wonder if I’ll ever overcome it.

The thing I haven’t tried yet is saying any of this out loud … in front of other people. Now that for me is radical. Most of my life, I’ve operated under the belief that you only show your best self to others. Revealing your secret fears and shame reveals your weaknesses which in turn opens you up to getting hurt. Being vulnerable in front of others seemed like too much of a risk; like you would just be inviting more pain into your life.

That’s what I used to think. Then I was blessed with opportunities to witness others sharing their fears and talking honestly about shame. I was also blessed with experiences where I have been able to share my own limiting beliefs in spaces where I felt safe to do so—thanks to friends like Janet (Co) and Rachel (Paras). Through these opportunities, I’ve discovered the power in releasing those toxic thoughts out into the world (and the strength that comes from being authentic in your vulnerability). When I’ve been able to share fears and shame I’ve held deep for so long, I felt the weight that was holding me down wasn’t so heavy. And the more I did it, the lighter it felt. 

That weight is not completely gone though. It seems I either need to keep practicing my sharing and releasing those toxic thoughts from my head until the weight is gone or accept that it’s just something I need to continue to do consistently. Just as my physical body continues to need exercise, my mind and spirit need a regular workout of self-care, gratitude, and positive thinking (and prayer).

And I guess that in itself is a radical embrace. I wholeheartedly accept that there are things about myself that I want to change and I am ok with continuing to work on that. I also wholeheartedly accept that I have the tools and the community around me to help and that I am blessed with gifts and talents that are suited for my journey—and maybe, just maybe, I can even help some others along the way. That is definitely something I can radically embrace.

(I closed my reading/presentation with this bible verse that I happened to read that morning.)

“Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life.”

- Proverbs 4:23

x

7 Years Later

A few years ago, my daughter and I were watching "Dancing with the Stars." It was one of those episodes where the celebs were dancing to songs that reminded them of their most memorable year. One star chose a song that represented the year her or his (I don't remember which) parent had passed. My girl said out loud, "Why would you pick that as your most memorable year?" I think it surprised her because to her, memorable equals happy. I thought about it and I could totally understand how an event like that could be the most memorable for some—because I feel the same way. 

2013, the year my mom passed, is my most memorable. Her sickness and subsequent death (while occurring at the start of the year) defined that entire year for me and, in many ways, changed me forever. While the passing of time has lessened the heartache, if I go back to that day or the days leading up to it, I can instantly feel that pain like it was yesterday. 

I cherish that hurt as much as I cherish the memories of the love and joy she brought to my life. The hurt reminds me that I loved her deeply. It reminds me of how grateful I am for all the ways she showed her love for me. It reminds me of how much my health and happiness meant to her and that I owe it to her to pay it forward by taking care of myself and those I love. That painful loss reminds me of the life lessons I need to continue learning and practicing so I can honor her in the best way possible—by living my life to the fullest.

Still, as much as I cherish this pain, I wonder if I haven't worked through my grief enough to really move past it and "live my life to the fullest." What does that kind of life really look like and am I holding myself back from it? Sometimes I think I know the answer and other times I doubt myself. That's why I think finally writing about this will help. So in the spirit of "working through my grief," I will go back to that fateful day. I don't know how accurate my memory of this is. It seems to get cloudier as I get older. But this is what was burned into my memory—and it's haunted me ever since.

January 15, 2013: 

I was working at a local tv station at the time as the dayside news promotion producer. After lunch, I was sitting in my cubicle thinking about what else I had to do that day when I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to make the one and a half-hour drive to see my mother. Part of me tried to ignore the feeling and chalked it up to what happened the night before ...

It was the middle of the night. The ringing of my phone woke me up. My cousin Trisha was calling. She had been sitting with my mom as she lay in her hospice bed. Trisha sensed that Mom was close to death and wanted us to talk to her—to say any last words before she passed. I was groggy and in disbelief that my younger cousin could possibly know this. My older brother Noel, my sister Eileen, and I were all conferenced in on the line with Trish. As usual, Noel, even after an unexpected wake-up call, kept a level head and knew enough to trust Trish's instincts. He was able to say exactly what needed to be said on behalf of all of us. 

He told Mom that we loved her and thanked her for the time she was able to give us. He told her that we knew she fought as long and as hard as she could and that if there was any hope in her recovery, that she would continue fighting. He told her that if she was ready to be free from her pain, that it was ok. He told her that we would be ok. 

We heard short, heavy breathing turn into more steady breaths. Then Trish's voice came back saying that Mom seemed to return to normal and she may have gone back to sleep. But she's sure that she heard Noel's message and was calmed by it. I was in tears and unable to utter a word. 

Back to my feeling at work ... I argued with myself saying it was just that call that spooked me into thinking I needed to see her. There will be time to go after work or on the weekend. It's not time yet. Not ... Yet ...

But I couldn't shake the feeling, and I told my boss that I needed to see my mom. He understood the situation and said I could go. I was packing up my things when I felt something else. It's a feeling I can't describe but it was unlike anything I felt before. I think deep down I knew what it was, but I didn't want to admit it.

I started walking out the door when Noel called me with the news. Trisha had left the hospice care facility to either freshen up or get some food. While she was gone, Mom died alone in her room. 

A wave of guilt washed over me. I could have left sooner. I could have been there with her when it happened. The shock that she was actually gone and I didn't get to say goodbye hit me like a ton of bricks.

It wasn't until later that I realized it happened the way she wanted—the way it was meant to be. It was like Mom was waiting for Trish to go so she could move on. It was fitting; she often suffered in silence, not wanting to subject people she loved to painful situations. Still, I've never completely let go of that guilt. It's mixed with years of wondering if I could have done more to help take care of her so she could have lived longer—if I could have done more to love her.

These questions will never be answered and I find a way to live with that. I tell myself the rational, faith-filled argument—there's nothing more I could have done; this happened the way God planned. Most days, I fully believe that. Most days ... 

This is not exactly the tribute I thought it would be, but I have to go where the writing takes me. And I needed to go here today. To reflect on my most memorable year and see how I've come out of it. To give light to these demons haunting me and hope that it helps me stay out of the darkness. I owe that to Mom. 💓

Lessons From My Past Decade

Nearly 10 years ago, I experienced my first layoff. Back then, I was shocked and saddened at first. Those feelings soon morphed into excitement at the idea of using my severance to take a break from working and spend more time with my then 4-year-old girl. After working at the same company for 12+ years, I thought, "How often does someone get an opportunity to enjoy paid extended time off?" Little did I know ...

Since then I’ve been through two more layoffs, the most recent one in late January of last year. Along the way, my husband was also laid off three times. It would be funny if it weren’t so GD frustrating. Still, you have to keep a sense of humor and perspective about these things. If you can’t laugh through the tough times, it’s harder to find the funny through the “easy” times. And things could definitely be worse. Sadly, you don’t have to go far to find proof of that. So we were just thankful these layoffs weren’t at the same time and that so far, we’ve managed to survive each one.

The harsh reality of trying to make a living in Silicon Valley really hit home for us this past decade. But each life challenge has taught us more about ourselves: how resiliency (humor included), strength of character, and faith in God and ourselves can help you endure and overcome any trial.

One new lesson that has resonated with me most after this recent layoff has been a spiritual awakening for me. It wasn’t an instant light bulb “A-HA” like I thought it would be. It was quiet and unexpected—as if the seed was planted in me years ago and it was just starting to sprout. In a way, this is true.

Years ago, a friend gave me a paperback copy of A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. When I tried to read it at that time, I didn’t understand it. I felt as if the concepts were going over my head. So I stopped halfway through. I wasn’t ready yet.

After I started the career transition process again this past year and was spending more time in my car commuting between home and various career counseling appointments, workshops, networking events, and the like, I decided to try listening to the book. And this time, it clicked. At least parts of it did. For me, it will be one of those books that I will need to revisit every now and then to deepen my knowledge. But what stood out most for me is the idea that I am NOT my thoughts, my past actions, or my circumstances. There is SO. MUCH. MORE— about me and in my life that was getting overshadowed by my focus on all that was "wrong." If I allow toxic thoughts and negative energy to define me and limit me from ALL that life has to offer, I will miss out on some truly beautiful moments.

Anyone who is going through or has been through the job search process knows how difficult, exhausting, and disheartening it can be. Repeated rejection is not for the faint of heart. Realizing that I am NOT just about what I do to make money and that my career is not my purpose has been a gamechanger for me. I take comfort in the fact that I am already living my purpose—by simply being ME—and living in the NOW. I still sometimes struggle to wrap my head around this concept, but I’ve learned that it’s best to trust how it feels in your heart and soul versus trying to intellectualize it. This is also a topic that I could go much deeper on, but I’ll save it for another time and channel. One simple thing I can share that changed my perspective is realizing that I’ve spent most of my life waiting. Waiting until the right job comes along. Waiting for the right time to start that dream blog. Waiting to pay off debt to take that dream vacation. Waiting—to live.

And during all that time I spent waiting, I was missing my life. I was physically there, living THROUGH the moments, but I wasn’t really living IN the moment. And when I started to consciously shift my focus to the NOW, I felt a shift inside me. Amid all the things I thought I was lacking, there was so much more beauty and joy to notice and appreciate in my life. And the more I focused on the list of things I had to be grateful for, the more I was able to add to that list.

I wish I could say it’s been a complete transformation for me, but decades of ingrained negative thinking is hard to overcome all at once. I still have my “why me?” and “what did I do wrong?” occasions, and my “saltiness” (for lack of a better term) sometimes comes out in less than kind ways. But I’m happy to report that those occasions are less frequent than before, and I am more aware of when they happen and can strive to do better.

Like anything in life, it takes daily practice/exercise. I still have my lazy days when I don’t feel like doing anything. Then, I remember that, like with physical workouts, I feel much better when I do my mental/spiritual workouts too. When I practice my self-care routine of mindfulness, gratitude journaling, and positive affirmations, my spiritual muscle and overall well-being feel stronger and better prepared to tackle those negative, toxic thoughts and actions that sometimes spill out when I’m not feeling my best.

I hope that by sharing this, I can inspire others who may be struggling. Whatever challenges you are facing, know that you are much more than your situation or circumstances. You can rise above any challenge by focusing and appreciating the good all around you; the more you do this, the more good you will attract.

Wishing everyone attracts nothing but love and positivity into their lives in 2020 and beyond.