A Letter to Mom — 8 Years Later

 Dear Mom,

It’s been 8 years. The past few years I’ve had something specific I wanted to say to you on this day ... about how the time since you’re passing has impacted me. It gave me comfort to feel like I’m healing through the grief and heartache and writing about it was helping me with that healing. But today, I’m a bit at a loss. Wanting to say something without knowing exactly what that is. I suppose it’s been like that for me this entire past year. My mind continues to swirl with the worries of the world — a pandemic, political division, racial tensions — as well as my own personal concerns with our family’s job and financial struggles. Most days, I choose to focus on what I need to do for the day (the easier tasks) and allow myself to escape the mind swirl with distractions (tv, podcasts, audiobooks, social media). I think about how it might help to process my thoughts through my writing but lacking the energy/motivation to actually do it. I think “just take it one day at a time” and that “one day” suddenly turns into months of feeling like I’m doing the same thing each day without feeling like I’m making any movement toward future goals. Then, after having that thought, I try to remember that I’m handling all this the best I can under unprecedented circumstances and that being kind to myself is how I’m going to survive and be the best mom/partner I can be for my family.

I am thankful that I get reminders of self-care nearly every day from various sources. Knowing that you dealt with your own bouts of depression, I wonder ... if you had more reminders like these if it would have made a difference. If you had more of the education and resources available to you, could I be having this conversation with you in person? I know it won’t change anything to think about such things, but it helps me to think I may understand more of what your life was like than I thought. This past year especially, I’ve caught myself withdrawing like you did and keeping physical and mental ailments to myself because that’s what I’m used to doing. Even when I advise others of doing the opposite, I know deep down I need to take my own advice.

I know you would want better for me, and in honor of you, I vow to focus on that more. I’m still taking it a day at a time but I’m including small steps to help me feel like I’m making progress. I’m also thankful for the immense growth I’ve experienced in 2020. I know listing that out will also help me in my journey so that will be coming in a future “letter.”

For now, I thank you, Mom, for your spirit that watches over me and subtly sends me reminders of your love and presence — from seeing you in your granddaughter’s smile or hearing one of your favorite game shows on the tv — I cherish these thoughts and memories of you. I also thank you for the motivation/encouragement that you provide to write this to you. It’s my way of commemorating you, but I know it a helpful release for me too. Though my heart still aches from missing your physical presence, I feel blessed to know you’re always here to take care of me … in your own way. 

Mahal kita,

B