My Radical Embrace

***Note: This piece (except for the edits in parentheses added for this post) was read out loud in front of a small crowd of family, friends, and strangers for an event called Radical Embrace, an invite-only, shared community, storytelling space. Here is a description as written by my friend Rachel Paras, the creative mind behind this movement:

What is Radical Embrace? Radical Embrace is a practice of expression and self-care. The practice is inspired by the loss of Rachel’s best friend, Grace Rualo Asuncion, in 1992. Radical Embrace finds the blessings in and the power of grief, growth, and the honoring of life and living. It is founded on 5 pillars of GRACE influenced by music and creativity which emit positive, feel-good neurotransmitters from our brain’s pleasure center.

G is a note on the musical scale, like you, who is a part of the symphony of life.
Rhythm | Rest: Do what moves you; move at your own rhythm; make time to rest, pause and breathe.
Arrive | Adagio: Feel the music and be present (arrive). You may need to go slow (adagio) to continue to move through. 
Care | Community: Take care of yourself so you can, in turn, take care of your community (your tribe, your family, your pets, etc.).
Enjoy the journey.

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When Rachel (Paras) asked me to participate in this event, I was touched and honored. It felt good to know that she saw something in either my writing or interaction with her that she believed fit with the vision she has for tonight. I was also excited to try sharing my form of self-expression in a different way. I was feeling confident and somewhat liberated after publishing my first 2 personal blog posts for the year and I was thinking this may be just what I need to push me into being even braver with my writing. 

Then life happens and things change—as it usually does—and I found myself in a new nearly full-time temp job. I’m thankful this job came along to help us pay the bills, but it’s definitely not something I want to be doing long-term. Still, I want to do my best at everything I do so I put energy into making sure I’m doing just that, my best. What I’ve come to realize is that putting my best energy into doing something I don’t really want to do is even more exhausting than putting that same energy into something I enjoy. On top of that, I had other volunteer commitments I had to meet (along with family/home obligations, etc.) which took up even more energy. As a result, I had less time and motivation to work on writing something new that felt true to the theme of this event. Instead of being excited, I started feeling stressed. And that’s when the negative self-talk is at its loudest.

I worried that I’m not good enough to be part of something so special. I felt ashamed that I wasn’t able to better budget my time to fit this in. I worried that my piece will pale in comparison to what others are sharing. I felt ashamed that I call myself a writer and I can’t even get into a regular writing practice. I worried that I will disappoint and/or embarrass my family, friends, and myself. I felt ashamed that I am not living up to my potential.

Does this sound familiar? (I usually follow this pattern for every role I play—wife, mother, employee, etc.) This is my own personal shame spiral, but I’m willing to bet that most of you have had similar thoughts. Maybe not the (younger) kids—the kids probably think more highly of themselves than the rest of us, because they haven’t learned how to be as self-conscious as us adults. But I’d venture to say that this pattern of worry and shame sounds familiar to at least most of the women here. Am I Right? At least I hope I’m not alone here.

So this negative self-talk makes me question if I really have something valuable to say for this event. Am I really a good example of someone who’s radically embracing myself? I guess that’s up to interpretation. 

Thinking about what Radical Embrace means to me, I came up with this definition: Wholehearted acceptance of myself and all the things I’m ashamed of or fear about myself

By this definition, I don’t feel like I’m there yet. If I wholeheartedly accepted everything about me, including my deepest, darkest fears, I don’t think I should be falling victim to the negative self-talk or the shame spiral. But this has been my pattern of thinking for as long as I can remember and I wonder if I’ll ever overcome it.

The thing I haven’t tried yet is saying any of this out loud … in front of other people. Now that for me is radical. Most of my life, I’ve operated under the belief that you only show your best self to others. Revealing your secret fears and shame reveals your weaknesses which in turn opens you up to getting hurt. Being vulnerable in front of others seemed like too much of a risk; like you would just be inviting more pain into your life.

That’s what I used to think. Then I was blessed with opportunities to witness others sharing their fears and talking honestly about shame. I was also blessed with experiences where I have been able to share my own limiting beliefs in spaces where I felt safe to do so—thanks to friends like Janet (Co) and Rachel (Paras). Through these opportunities, I’ve discovered the power in releasing those toxic thoughts out into the world (and the strength that comes from being authentic in your vulnerability). When I’ve been able to share fears and shame I’ve held deep for so long, I felt the weight that was holding me down wasn’t so heavy. And the more I did it, the lighter it felt. 

That weight is not completely gone though. It seems I either need to keep practicing my sharing and releasing those toxic thoughts from my head until the weight is gone or accept that it’s just something I need to continue to do consistently. Just as my physical body continues to need exercise, my mind and spirit need a regular workout of self-care, gratitude, and positive thinking (and prayer).

And I guess that in itself is a radical embrace. I wholeheartedly accept that there are things about myself that I want to change and I am ok with continuing to work on that. I also wholeheartedly accept that I have the tools and the community around me to help and that I am blessed with gifts and talents that are suited for my journey—and maybe, just maybe, I can even help some others along the way. That is definitely something I can radically embrace.

(I closed my reading/presentation with this bible verse that I happened to read that morning.)

“Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life.”

- Proverbs 4:23

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7 Years Later

A few years ago, my daughter and I were watching "Dancing with the Stars." It was one of those episodes where the celebs were dancing to songs that reminded them of their most memorable year. One star chose a song that represented the year her or his (I don't remember which) parent had passed. My girl said out loud, "Why would you pick that as your most memorable year?" I think it surprised her because to her, memorable equals happy. I thought about it and I could totally understand how an event like that could be the most memorable for some—because I feel the same way. 

2013, the year my mom passed, is my most memorable. Her sickness and subsequent death (while occurring at the start of the year) defined that entire year for me and, in many ways, changed me forever. While the passing of time has lessened the heartache, if I go back to that day or the days leading up to it, I can instantly feel that pain like it was yesterday. 

I cherish that hurt as much as I cherish the memories of the love and joy she brought to my life. The hurt reminds me that I loved her deeply. It reminds me of how grateful I am for all the ways she showed her love for me. It reminds me of how much my health and happiness meant to her and that I owe it to her to pay it forward by taking care of myself and those I love. That painful loss reminds me of the life lessons I need to continue learning and practicing so I can honor her in the best way possible—by living my life to the fullest.

Still, as much as I cherish this pain, I wonder if I haven't worked through my grief enough to really move past it and "live my life to the fullest." What does that kind of life really look like and am I holding myself back from it? Sometimes I think I know the answer and other times I doubt myself. That's why I think finally writing about this will help. So in the spirit of "working through my grief," I will go back to that fateful day. I don't know how accurate my memory of this is. It seems to get cloudier as I get older. But this is what was burned into my memory—and it's haunted me ever since.

January 15, 2013: 

I was working at a local tv station at the time as the dayside news promotion producer. After lunch, I was sitting in my cubicle thinking about what else I had to do that day when I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to make the one and a half-hour drive to see my mother. Part of me tried to ignore the feeling and chalked it up to what happened the night before ...

It was the middle of the night. The ringing of my phone woke me up. My cousin Trisha was calling. She had been sitting with my mom as she lay in her hospice bed. Trisha sensed that Mom was close to death and wanted us to talk to her—to say any last words before she passed. I was groggy and in disbelief that my younger cousin could possibly know this. My older brother Noel, my sister Eileen, and I were all conferenced in on the line with Trish. As usual, Noel, even after an unexpected wake-up call, kept a level head and knew enough to trust Trish's instincts. He was able to say exactly what needed to be said on behalf of all of us. 

He told Mom that we loved her and thanked her for the time she was able to give us. He told her that we knew she fought as long and as hard as she could and that if there was any hope in her recovery, that she would continue fighting. He told her that if she was ready to be free from her pain, that it was ok. He told her that we would be ok. 

We heard short, heavy breathing turn into more steady breaths. Then Trish's voice came back saying that Mom seemed to return to normal and she may have gone back to sleep. But she's sure that she heard Noel's message and was calmed by it. I was in tears and unable to utter a word. 

Back to my feeling at work ... I argued with myself saying it was just that call that spooked me into thinking I needed to see her. There will be time to go after work or on the weekend. It's not time yet. Not ... Yet ...

But I couldn't shake the feeling, and I told my boss that I needed to see my mom. He understood the situation and said I could go. I was packing up my things when I felt something else. It's a feeling I can't describe but it was unlike anything I felt before. I think deep down I knew what it was, but I didn't want to admit it.

I started walking out the door when Noel called me with the news. Trisha had left the hospice care facility to either freshen up or get some food. While she was gone, Mom died alone in her room. 

A wave of guilt washed over me. I could have left sooner. I could have been there with her when it happened. The shock that she was actually gone and I didn't get to say goodbye hit me like a ton of bricks.

It wasn't until later that I realized it happened the way she wanted—the way it was meant to be. It was like Mom was waiting for Trish to go so she could move on. It was fitting; she often suffered in silence, not wanting to subject people she loved to painful situations. Still, I've never completely let go of that guilt. It's mixed with years of wondering if I could have done more to help take care of her so she could have lived longer—if I could have done more to love her.

These questions will never be answered and I find a way to live with that. I tell myself the rational, faith-filled argument—there's nothing more I could have done; this happened the way God planned. Most days, I fully believe that. Most days ... 

This is not exactly the tribute I thought it would be, but I have to go where the writing takes me. And I needed to go here today. To reflect on my most memorable year and see how I've come out of it. To give light to these demons haunting me and hope that it helps me stay out of the darkness. I owe that to Mom. 💓

Lessons From My Past Decade

Nearly 10 years ago, I experienced my first layoff. Back then, I was shocked and saddened at first. Those feelings soon morphed into excitement at the idea of using my severance to take a break from working and spend more time with my then 4-year-old girl. After working at the same company for 12+ years, I thought, "How often does someone get an opportunity to enjoy paid extended time off?" Little did I know ...

Since then I’ve been through two more layoffs, the most recent one in late January of last year. Along the way, my husband was also laid off three times. It would be funny if it weren’t so GD frustrating. Still, you have to keep a sense of humor and perspective about these things. If you can’t laugh through the tough times, it’s harder to find the funny through the “easy” times. And things could definitely be worse. Sadly, you don’t have to go far to find proof of that. So we were just thankful these layoffs weren’t at the same time and that so far, we’ve managed to survive each one.

The harsh reality of trying to make a living in Silicon Valley really hit home for us this past decade. But each life challenge has taught us more about ourselves: how resiliency (humor included), strength of character, and faith in God and ourselves can help you endure and overcome any trial.

One new lesson that has resonated with me most after this recent layoff has been a spiritual awakening for me. It wasn’t an instant light bulb “A-HA” like I thought it would be. It was quiet and unexpected—as if the seed was planted in me years ago and it was just starting to sprout. In a way, this is true.

Years ago, a friend gave me a paperback copy of A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. When I tried to read it at that time, I didn’t understand it. I felt as if the concepts were going over my head. So I stopped halfway through. I wasn’t ready yet.

After I started the career transition process again this past year and was spending more time in my car commuting between home and various career counseling appointments, workshops, networking events, and the like, I decided to try listening to the book. And this time, it clicked. At least parts of it did. For me, it will be one of those books that I will need to revisit every now and then to deepen my knowledge. But what stood out most for me is the idea that I am NOT my thoughts, my past actions, or my circumstances. There is SO. MUCH. MORE— about me and in my life that was getting overshadowed by my focus on all that was "wrong." If I allow toxic thoughts and negative energy to define me and limit me from ALL that life has to offer, I will miss out on some truly beautiful moments.

Anyone who is going through or has been through the job search process knows how difficult, exhausting, and disheartening it can be. Repeated rejection is not for the faint of heart. Realizing that I am NOT just about what I do to make money and that my career is not my purpose has been a gamechanger for me. I take comfort in the fact that I am already living my purpose—by simply being ME—and living in the NOW. I still sometimes struggle to wrap my head around this concept, but I’ve learned that it’s best to trust how it feels in your heart and soul versus trying to intellectualize it. This is also a topic that I could go much deeper on, but I’ll save it for another time and channel. One simple thing I can share that changed my perspective is realizing that I’ve spent most of my life waiting. Waiting until the right job comes along. Waiting for the right time to start that dream blog. Waiting to pay off debt to take that dream vacation. Waiting—to live.

And during all that time I spent waiting, I was missing my life. I was physically there, living THROUGH the moments, but I wasn’t really living IN the moment. And when I started to consciously shift my focus to the NOW, I felt a shift inside me. Amid all the things I thought I was lacking, there was so much more beauty and joy to notice and appreciate in my life. And the more I focused on the list of things I had to be grateful for, the more I was able to add to that list.

I wish I could say it’s been a complete transformation for me, but decades of ingrained negative thinking is hard to overcome all at once. I still have my “why me?” and “what did I do wrong?” occasions, and my “saltiness” (for lack of a better term) sometimes comes out in less than kind ways. But I’m happy to report that those occasions are less frequent than before, and I am more aware of when they happen and can strive to do better.

Like anything in life, it takes daily practice/exercise. I still have my lazy days when I don’t feel like doing anything. Then, I remember that, like with physical workouts, I feel much better when I do my mental/spiritual workouts too. When I practice my self-care routine of mindfulness, gratitude journaling, and positive affirmations, my spiritual muscle and overall well-being feel stronger and better prepared to tackle those negative, toxic thoughts and actions that sometimes spill out when I’m not feeling my best.

I hope that by sharing this, I can inspire others who may be struggling. Whatever challenges you are facing, know that you are much more than your situation or circumstances. You can rise above any challenge by focusing and appreciating the good all around you; the more you do this, the more good you will attract.

Wishing everyone attracts nothing but love and positivity into their lives in 2020 and beyond.