It’s New Year’s Eve. I haven’t written anything personal since my nephew Calvin passed in October last year. There’s been so much I could have written about to help me process all the stuff in my head. But, I never set aside the time to do it. I can try to find reasons why that happened but would it really matter what the reasons are? It still came down to the fact that I just didn’t do it. It’s not good or bad. It just is. And so I move on.
It sounds simple but for me … it’s excruciatingly hard. I dwell. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. I dwell on the past… on all the things I could have done differently … on the what ifs. It’s what I do and as much as I try not to do it, I can’t help myself. So rather than beat myself up for it, I’m trying to accept it and try to focus on the things I CAN do to improve my life.
This past year has been A LOT of that. Thankfully, I really feel like I’ve made progress. And when I think about what has been the key to help me with that progress, I have to be honest and say it came down to being back in a full-time job and being able to do that job without having to put in so many overtime hours, switching from a Wed-Sun schedule to a normal M-F schedule, and having a larger team with more co-workers who I can turn to for help with the workload.
I feel conflicted about essentially saying the key to my “happiness” came down to a better job situation for me. Reading my blog posts from the past, it seemed like I was getting to a point in my life when I didn’t have to equate my worth to what I do for a living. While I still recognize that there is more to me and my life than how I make money and provide for my family, I have to admit it really does make a difference in how I view my life. Going back to work full-time was not without its own stress and life adjustments after working part-time or looking for work for more than a year. But the added finances allowed me to not worry about meeting basic needs as much. It allowed me the “luxury” of time and resources to research therapy opportunities for my mental health which in turn allowed me to be in a better mindset to dedicate more of myself to the care and well-being of others in my family. And last but certainly not least, it allowed me to do more things I enjoy (like online workout memberships, spa treatments, going to dinner with friends, etc.) that I had been sacrificing so that money could go toward more immediate needs.
Part of me questions what this says about me that it really does come down to money being able to help me “buy” happiness in a way. The other part of me thinks, “Who the F—- cares?!” Just be grateful that I’m in a better financial situation and use it to better help myself, my family and friends, and as much of the world as I can.
Yeah, so that’s what goes on inside my head. Some of you may think, “Damn – she’s a mess!” If you do, well, #1 — you’re kind of an a–hole!! But I also envy you for being able to view the world in that way. It tells me you probably have your sh– together and are probably living your best life. More power to you!!! (and hopefully you’re doing some good in the world with that power)
On the other hand, if some of you relate to dual personalities fighting in your head, I hear you … I see you … and I’m here for you. It took A LOT of mental work on my own these past few years to get to where I am today. Yes, I can be grateful that my improved financial situation helped me with that. But I also owe a lot to my tribe — my family, friends, church community, work supports, and the other points of positivity and light that have shone and continue to shine in my life. I don’t always give them the credit they deserve but in my heart and mind, they are my saviors and, to me, true representatives of Christ’s love whether they realize it or not.
So while I started this post not really sure which direction it would go, I hoped it would give me something positive to end with as we close out another year.
I do want to touch on a very sad and sobering subject that I think is somewhat related to everything I’ve written so far. I was deeply impacted when I heard the news about Stephen “tWitch” Boss taking his own life. I admired him as a dancer, entertainer, and someone who always preached positivity with a big smile on his face. To learn that someone like this was hurting so much that the only way out that he could see was to leave this world, it truly breaks my heart. I can’t say that I completely understand his pain but I do understand how it feels to be so overwhelmed with anxiety that it closes off whatever beams of happiness are trying to break through your darkness. While the logical side of my brain tried to convince me that I have so much to be joyful and thankful for, toxic negative thoughts had wormed their way deep into my subconscious that I didn’t even recognize how much it was hurting me until I felt brave enough to face it and deal with it head on.
Yes, in my situation, earning more money and being in a stable, positive job situation did help my overall outlook. But so did recognizing that I needed HELP and being brave enough to ask for it and do the work to help myself.
I know my situation is VERY different from tWitch’s and I don’t know if he asked for help or showed any signs of trouble. I’m not trying to compare my life with his or even say that I know better. I don’t know what could have helped him.
I just want to highlight that the news of his death reminded me of my own dark times and how much having people to talk to about my issues helped me. I also know how it feels to want people to reach out and check in but not knowing how to ask for it. I know how it feels to force yourself to put on a happy face when you’re hurting because that’s what you’re used to doing and you don’t know what else to do. I’ve lived through this and I’m trying to treat others as I wish others would treat me … by helping those in need and checking in on those who may need it when I recognize it. I will admit that I do get caught up in my own head and life most often so I don’t always see the signs. But maybe by writing this down, it will stick with me to do better. That’s really all I resolve to do for this new year. I hope I can inspire you, dear reader, to do the same.
Sending love and light to all in 2023 and beyond! ❤️🌞
