Dear Mom,
Today is the 4-year anniversary of your death. I thought I’d be able to just go through this day doing my normal Sunday activities since I haven’t been feeling as sad about you lately. But yesterday, sis and I spent the afternoon cleaning out some of your room and deciding what to do with your belongings. It was a roller-coaster of emotions… smiling at the pictures and mementos that you kept and then crying when going over all the documents from over the years… reminders of the hardships you endured and the pain that you tried to hide from us because you didn’t want to feel like a burden. I so wish we could have been able to make your life easier and happier but I hope that collectively all the time spent with family who loved you so much help balanced out whatever negative feelings you battled internally. Going through my own struggles of self-doubt, I know how easy it is to wonder, “am I enough?” and “how do I feel content with my place in this world?” We can only figure that out for ourselves but it helps to have the right people to guide you. I’m lucky to have that support for my journey and realize how valuable it has been for me. I wish you could have found that somehow. Of course, I’m only assuming how you felt and what you went through because there was only so much you were willing to share with me. But I’d like to think I saw more of you then you may have realized. I noticed your sadness and your struggle to ask for help. I noticed you trying to fill a void with things that we didn’t think were the best for you but we respected your choices to find bits of pleasure where you could. I noticed you quietly trying to help your family in the Philippines with the little you had. I noticed these things and feel like I could have done more to help you… and that maybe I wasn’t enough… enough to love you and appreciate and help you in the way you needed. But that’s the cycle we seem to go through. It’s probably not unique to our situation and likely a burden that many people, but I’d say women in particular, have to bear. I’m hoping to break my cycle and I think I’m making progress towards that. In a way, looking back at your life, helps me see where I can change the perspective on my own. Because to me, you were enough… as the loving mother and grandmother that you were. I tried to show you and tell you in my own way but I know sometimes it’s hard to see past your own hangups about yourself. I can see where I do that with my own family and friends, looking past the appreciation and support they give me because I’m trying to find it on my own. I’ve realized now that the peace that I’m desperately searching for is within reach and I have the tools and support to make it more of a reality for me. But it will take some work to keep chipping away at the years of armor I’ve put around myself… armor that I thought was protecting me from pain but was really holding me back from true freedom. But I now know I’m on the way there. I wish I could have provided that for you but hopefully my assumptions about you are more dramatized in my head then they really were and that you were, for the most part, happy with your life. And I hope that in the end, you found your peace and joy and are now living that out eternally with the Lord. And I hope you know that even though you are not physically here with me, you are still helping me. I’m still learning from you and finding appreciation for you in looking back at your life and talking with others about you. For us, you will always be alive in our hearts, minds and spirits. Thank you for all you have provided and what you continue to provide. I love you Mom.
